As good as s*x is,there are certain things that can ruin the experience if not carefully taken of.
Facing your fears is downright s*xy.
Hollywood sells a pretty picture of
falling in love and living happily ever after. What Hollywood doesn’t
tell you anything about though is feeling inadequate in bed, or how
awkward it feels when you think your partner is doing something wrong.
Instead, we’re taught that when two
people fall in love and connect $exually, they merge! Two become one and
all your fears and insecurities just magically evaporate.
But the truth is — fears don’t magically
disappear. You don’t actually merge with your partner. And, in addition
to the wonderful qualities you fell in love with, your partner still
has plenty of inadequacies and insecurities (and, so do you).
True $.xual freedom only occurs when you face your fears with a partner.
Why is exposing your fears so
challenging? Because the tendency when afraid is to pull back from
where you’re exposed. But, the more you pull back and hide, the harder
it is to own up to your fears. A false sense of safety develops when you
hide because your partner doesn’t see your buried fears. But then you
create a bigger mess for yourself as feelings of resentment or
inadequacy build. The only release from fear comes from sharing it out
in the open.
Get ahold of what scares you and bring
it into the light of investigation. Knowledge of one another’s doubts,
worries, and insecurities allows new passion to grow between you. And $.x can serve as a powerful pathway to exploring areas where you feel
vulnerable. And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise — s.xual
vulnerability is a great strength! The bigger the fear, the more
courageous you’ll feel when you move beyond it.
So, what are the “normal” fears most people feel about $.x and int!macy? I’ve found that these are the top 4:
1) The fear of abandonment AND of losing your independence
We all have deep-felt, animal fears of
being alone. This fear battles against another major fear of being
engulfed. We don’t want to feel abandoned, but we also don’t want to
feel smothered. These conflicting feelings can come up often during s.x.
If you speak up, your partner might ignore or reject you (then you’re
alone!).
Or, your partner may treat you like you’re immature and need their guidance (then you feel engulfed or dominated).
There is no way around this internal
conflict. You must prove to yourself and your partner that it’s safe to
risk sharing these push-pull feelings. As you and your partner speak
openly and compassionately with one another about this conflict, you can
find a happy medium that serves you both, freeing you to experience the
joys of the moment.
2) Worrying that your desires will freak your partner out.
It’s normal to feel some fear when your wants and s.xual desires differ from your partner’s
It’s easy to think they’re wrong or
weird, or that you’re inadequate. Unpacking those fears takes time and
is best accomplished in a deeply committed relationship. As you slowly
reveal your true desires (wanting to explore new s.xual arenas), you’re
hoping to experience that exquisite feeling of being seen for the first
time at a depth only a long-term partner can witness.
In the best of s.xual circumstances
s.xual discovery is like peeling into the heart of an onion. Each layer
reveals more primitive, powerful fears underneath. And you address each
layer slowly, together, rather than rushing either partner too quickly.
Remember, two people do not merge. Your
s.xual desires and your unique fears may not perfectly align. Remaining
two ‘separate people’ can actually enhance s.x more than anything else.
The secret is holding onto your individuality and boundaries while also
embracing your partner’s difference and desires. This is when a truly
spicy s.x life exists.
3) The fear of not satisfying your partner
Shame and feeling inadequate in bed
pulls you out of the ‘present moment’ and distracts you with performance
anxiety. This blocks a lot of the incredible richness of int!mate fun.
Except in moments of utter bliss, your mind is lost rating your
performance and your partner’s against some ideal benchmark in your
mind. To move past this fear and anxiety, you must practice silencing
the chatter of your self-defensive thinking and embrace the experience
and thrill of the moment.
4) The fear passion fading away
Long-term s.xual satisfaction is very
different than initial infatuation. Infatuation lets us ignore our
deep-seated fears for about six months into a new relationship. We’re
also somewhat blind to our partner’s shortcomings. Being passionately in
love this way is now a documented brain state: Our worry, fear-alert
and critical thinking systems turn way down, while love circuits dial
up. It’s a lot of fun, however, it leaves you unaware of how brave you
can be together without excess dopamine, estrogen, oxytocin and
testosterone running around inside you.
The initial infatuation will definitely
wane after time, but that doesn’t mean passionate, deeply connected s.x
isn’t still possible. You just have to work at it in a new way.
How to share your s.xual fears without it going horribly wrong.
Sharing your fears with your partner
won’t feel easy or comfortable right away. And that’s OK. But, I’ll tell
you this — the fastest way for the conversation to go terribly wrong is
to turn it into a complaint session about your partner.
Instead, use language that contains ‘I
statements’, not ‘you statements.’ Let your partner know these are your
fears, he or she does not cause them. A wise approach to this
conversation is to spread it out across different encounters. Don’t
share your fears that get stirred up when your partner shares his or her
fears first. Wait until the next time you make love to use “I
statements” about your own fears. Or, wait a few times so you can savior
the closeness developing by staying attuned to your partner’s fears.
Remember, you’re not trying to solve something or “fix” your
partner, you’re aim is getting your s.xual dance back on track. Slowly
increasing knowledge of each other’s fears moves you closer to your raw,
passionate core.
– Your Tango
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